yeah she's is .... she's the kind of stupid woman that decides to be angry and get it out on all of her workers, not ever carin gabout the consequences. The worst is that she is an expert trying to find mistakes even in those things that you know are flawless, and what I'm trying to say here is that she'll go as far as to start making up ridiculous rules that  YOU KNOW will only end up in a disaster of catastrophes proportions...

I should have learned by now that then was not the time to inform her of the imposibility of  her demands, I should have known by now that trying to enlighten her views of reality would absolutely lead me NOWHERE, but I haven't, I just couldn't bring my self to give out such a POOR service, I mean it wasn't her the one they were going to look at with HATRED, it wasn't going to be her the one that would be facing thei angry faces, or the one that would have to give them the lame STUPID excuse of "POLICY OF THE HOUSE MA'M" , and the worst of it is that I SHOULD! for fuck's sake I SHOULD! , she thinks the customer is not going to shove up her ass her lame excuses?! well let her try and see why her sells are barely covering her rent ...

MY GOSH what an IDIOT!, but why do I care? ... let her fall into her doom, Why can't I be as apathetic as the rest of my coworkers,

How did she get so high ? .. well she married the owner... and don't get me wrong she is a very hard working woman, she tries so hard actually that she tries to be in charge of everything, and you'll understand my friends that she is only human, that she never had expereince in any of the fields that she's trying to take charge, that she wastes valuable time NOT doing her duties by SUPERVISING how the rest works, and you see I work in that area where I actually face ALL of her mistakes, I actually get to MEET* all those people she neglected to attend... It SUCKS!, but hey! even THAT I've learned to manage.... why can't I get over the fact that she's not going to stop meddling in other peoples work, why can't I get over the fact that she won't ever trust us, why can't I keep MY MOUTH SHUT! and let her dig her own grave...

And the more I talk the more I realize that I have to stop caring about her and start focussing on me, probably most of the mistakes I find in her are mistakes I posses, isn't that how the saying goes?, isn't that life showing you a way to learn how NOT to behave and WHY?

I should have listened with a more open mind, she might learn how to do her job in the future or not, but I* should learn from her as much as I can, even if what she teaches me is exactly what I should NOT be part of, I should have kept my mouth shut and listened...

I’m on vacations again! Hurray! 
I decided I should look for another job!!  Bummer!

Why do I have to be such a spoilsport?

Well among other things finding a job just took me a couple of days, most of which, I'm proud to say were spent on designing my CV, lol; and now I have 3 jobs! I just couldn't say no... I need to learn to control that side of me, honestly!

Well I'll be working on my regular job on Saturdays, and the rest of the days will be spent between a travel agency and an Israeli restaurant!

The only good thing is that the restaurant hasn't opened yet, and the travel agency is mostly me sitting on a desk trying to make the time pass faster! (Is that really good?) Well I'm hoping it gives me time to indulge on my newly acquired hobby!

What, you may wonder? Writing fanfic!

Yeah, I don't know what came over me I've been a lurker for so many years and then suddenly after rereading all my favorite fics, I decided to make my own new story AND post it!

I know! I can’t believe it my self, its part of the reason I’m updating this thing

Moving to another subject, I found another long lost friend on the web, or actually he* found me; I was exhilarated! And quite impressed, he’s done so much more since I met him. We used to be sort of pen pals and when we were, he was getting out of high school and dreaming about making films, and now he’s even made some! I’ll be asking to watch them soon, even though I probably won’t understand a thing it’s probably on his first language, Slovenian!

Oh, wow this will probably become one of my largest entries, I’m soo regretting having looked for a job, I know it will be the best for me professionally speaking but, I just wish I hadn’t decided so soon… Maybe once again I’ve found my self with too much on my plate. I need to learn how to say NO…

I was so excited about filling up my schedule once more; I probably ended up over doing it…

And so it is that I end this note on a sourer mood.

Until next time folks!

Di
 

Hey! I found my long lost post while trying to add a new one! Well this changes the direction of things a bit, It was written sometime during mid November 2008, Here it is!

(White letters: present post. Grey letters past post)

"...My life is looking blue right now, I've been reminiscing about keeping a diary and unlike many I have nothing against electronic devices, lately I've been asked way too many times why I'm always with my handsfree on; and besides my lovely music, it's because I like the feeling of being connected. I always enjoyed solitude, although I never felt lonely during the time I spent alone because I always had a computer and internet around, and well, unlike many I can't find anything wrong with it, lately the time I spend with my self has been reduced to nothing. I barely had time to do homework or spend time with my family and much less to relax and brood over what I had done, or what I was doing.

It is so that I ended up betraying lots of the things that I stood for, ended up betraying my self in more ways than one... which led to my decaying self-esteem to reduce more and more to nothing...

No I don't think I've hit the bottom yet, and I don't think that's a good thing still, see if I had hit the bottom and I had nothing to lose, then I believe it would be easier to stand up and keep going, for one, most of my self esteem was based on my grades and my responsibility. All of which are long gone, I've become a follower, a puppeteer to lots and it sucks A LOT. The only times I stand for my self are when I'm looking grim and since my job consists of me keeping a firm smile even my boss called me up on it, and he didn't even do it in a harsh way, he just said that I sounded blue even on the phone and it’s worst that my oh so unbearable addiction to please made me change my mood to act properly.

I don't like my job anymore, and the only thing that keeps me there is the promised gratification that I'll get on December and well I've promised my self that I'll let my boss know that I won't be working on January a month in advance, and that I'll be working until at most; the first week of the new year. Oh, how I hope that week is not filled of regrets at how much I've neglected my studies, you see, I've already missed lots of classes and exams are in less than a week.

Well I hope I can keep that promise, you see I've already broken many... I was supposed to start a training routine of some kind a month ago. I came up with running every morning for at least half an hour, but I never started and well I've already accepted that I won't be starting soon I just never finish things on time, it's so frustrating

I don't even like this thing… It's boring, sulking is boring and that's what I'm doing, so overrated. I had a fling some time ago ... and I have to see his face everyday at work, doesn't help that I don't know how to act and I just smile like an idiot... literally an idiot. PATHETIC!

I'm always late for work, I'm not working on any of the projects I'm suppose to be working on and you know what makes even more pathetic the situation about the fling? It’s that he lied to me, blatantly lied to me... what for? nothing!  If he hadn't lied I would have still slept with him, and I told him so. (Why am I posting this again? cause I think it's a very important part in getting to know me and it should go into my journal, I just hope I don't regret it later... ). Still, he lied, he played the fool in love and I stupidly fell for it, and when my oh so irritating boss said that he had cheated on me the next day (YES MY BOSS, MY MANAGER! oh how I hated her for it... and at the same time she meant it as a nice gesture... she pitied me... PITIED ME, I was not supposed to be pitied!) she told me not to get my hopes up with him cause he was not worth it, and when I faced him and told him that I knew what he had done and that I didn't mind so he didn’t have to be such a git cause I was all for open relationships (and that was actually what I wanted) he still LIED AND SAID THAT IT WAS ALL A LIE, honestly! The worst of it was that I fell for it again and played the fool in so many ways... gosh! (Yeah, embarrassing, I know)

No I don't resent the bloke, you see he didn't really hurt me; he just acted like an idiot and made me look like a fool. He never got to know the real me and neither did I get to know him; if he had, he wouldn't have acted like that I'm sure of it.

Hey! There IS sth I'm confident about. Yes, I never cared for the idiot and well, I did extricate some truths about him, but he got lots of truths about me too. And I know enough to be aware not only that he doesn't even like the puppeteer in me, I know as well that he's never quiet about what he knows of me, ANY OF IT, but WTF! I can live with that... who the heck cares anyways... (Yeah right)

I don't know how to be my self anymore and it's killing me. I hate being fake HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT! And I don't know how to stop it...

I'm a weirdo, I don't think I can hide it and I used to love it, I used to like those peculiar things that made me different, yeah I think different and I'm even afraid to say I'm bi now, or that I'm up to all sorts of perverted things if they just present themselves to me and if only I had a chance I would… you see? That’s it! ... I DO HIDE IT... that's what I mean with hitting the bottom  If everyone knew, or got to know me. I wouldn't have to hide it anymore, but people judge and I hate to be judged...

And in my struggle to not be judged I ended up judging my self (does that make sense?)... Oh how I betrayed my self! Can you see how I started to hate ME as well?

I'm even afraid of physical contact now and I was all about hugs and I used to be so natural when I was younger.

I guess I should stop getting distracted. I don't have friends at my institute so I should stop acting like I do, maybe if I took the time to think instead of following people around, such a waste of time...

I used to love dancing, now I'm so ashamed of my body.. it's not as if I'm horrible, I know I'm not, it's just that I'm no longer the slim twit that I used to be and I just don't dance anymore, I no longer enjoy the attention.

… "

If you are wondering what happened to me after that, well I touched bottom. Good thing is, I did keep my promise of just staying until December, and I didn't even do that extra week on January. My boss reluctantly accepted but made me promise I'd at least come back for replacements on February.

Turns out that after my blue days, I did pass all my courses after all, and after that, I spent a glorious amount of time reflecting with my self. I even missed work! And after having come back for just Saturdays, I ended up enjoying it even more! They are planning on asking me to return to my previous schedule but I know I'll say no cause I'm just too happy to have it back the way it is.

No, I never did start the training routine, but I did accomplish a very successful diet! I can finally fit my old clothes! wearing whatever my sister threw at me was just not doing for me.

As for the bloke, he did end up saying more things than I had thought and by doing so, the poor sod helped the prim proper image I had held for so long to shatter in pieces. And once it was out, I discovered I could be my self. I believe I was the one that spent the best new year party among my coworkers. While lots of people crumbled around me (for idiotic things, I swear!) I was jumping on my feet dancing like a lunatic and kissing quite a lot of people...

I guess some of them must have realized I'm bi, but I was out! It was my last day of work and I would have as much fun as I could and I did. and they can't deny they had fun with me even then, and I don't care much about how much talk there was after that, cause hey! They still begged for me to be back. Yeah it was a boost to my ego for them to finally assess that I had been a good worker. Considering how reserved and chauvinistic my manager is...

I'm all about kisses and hugs again but just with my family, I try to keep my hands to my self when it comes to other people, I've realized sometimes people can be quite ridiculous when they suspect of your sexuality.

As for the friends department; I've even organized high school reunions and stay overs with my friends Even people at my institute, (and I note that they are not more than amicable company even now) can tell I'm more relaxed and chilled down.

and as usual this is another delayed update, and yes obviously sooo much has happened, I broke up with my bf... lol I think I posted that already, I now have 3 secret admirers who call me frequently, lol I used to get confused about who was who, and even though I'm not interested in any of them since I don't know them it's nice to have them around...

Since we're on the romantic subject one of my friends told me he was in love with me, wasn't pretty really, I wonder if anyone actually reads this ... I feel as if I should update anyway, I'm on exams week which means I should be studying right now but I don't feel like it... gosh I feel as If I'm loosing my identity, honestly I don't know how is it now more than ever; there are actually guys putting their eyes on me... I.just.dont.know... I feel as If I was going through high school all over again and the worst thing is; that not even in high school was I so insecure.... I feel old, I act childishly... I laugh at jokes and with people that I really wouldn't hang around if given a chance, that makes me feel soooooooo stupid sometimes ... I miss my ex, but not as my bf just the friendship I had with him, It's gonna be hard to build all that trust again, and what's funny is that none of the guys that are after me are truly aware of who, or how I am... and how much they don't know me... I even think it's just this ... thing that has become cool nowadays….

well that’s it for now I have to study after all

Di